Posted in Writing

Reacting To Old Stories (Part Two)

Read Part One.

Last week I delved into the very first story I ever wrote–a Ninja Turtle fan fiction. That story was so popular on FanFiction, but looking back on it now I can’t help but wonder why.

I wrote many stories based off of the Ninja Turtles. So, in May 2008 I wrote another chapter story based off the TV show.

Re-reading the story now, it’s not great. But it was probably the best piece of writing I posted on that website… and I had posted 58 stories on there.

So, even though this was one of my best stories, reading it now kind of makes me cringe. I want to edit the whole thing. I have improved so much since then.

This story was titled “Lost.” It had 22 chapters and about 41,000 words. So, here I go again… Nit-picking my terrible writing. I hope you guys find this hilarious just as I find it embarrassing.

Reacting to Old Stories (part two)

New York City was quiet that night. The night was quiet too. Although the night was dark and chilly, it was peaceful. Everyone was at home with their families. No one running the streets, except for the homeless people, and no one running from the police. Tonight was a safe night for everyone from everyone.

I love how the first two sentences are completely redundant. Though, I have to give myself some credit. I was trying to add detail.

A shadow leaped onto an apartment building rooftop. It stopped and looked back, as if it was waiting for something. Or someone. Another shadow leaped onto the same rooftop, following the other one. New York City was sleeping and quiet, except for these two. No one noticed them, no one heard them, and no one cared. The two shadows walked a little bit further, but then stopped. One of them peered over the side of the rooftop, looking down into the streets.

“It’s a quiet night.” He sighed.

“Too quiet.” The other walked up beside him and looked across the other rooftops.

I believe we’ve established that this night is (drumroll, please) quiet.

“Its 3:44 a.m., Raph,” The first one glanced at his watch and then turned to look at his brother. “If anyone is planning on doing anything, I doubt they will do it tonight. No one is out there.”

It’s.

“So you’re saying we should stop patrolling for the night?” Raph turned to his brother. “Donnie, just because it’s quiet, doesn’t mean nothing is gonna happen.”

Donnie sighed. “I know what you mean. But it’s getting late and we’ve been out here since before midnight. We were supposed to be back at the lair around 2 o’clock.” He leaned against the side of the rooftop. He was tired and bored. He wanted to go back home and get some sleep. The only people the saw tonight were police cruisers patrolling the streets. If anything happened, it would be taken care of.

Raph shook his head. “No one is going to notice.”

“Yes, they will notice,” Donnie rolled his eyes. “Master Splinter is probably still awake waiting for us to return home.”

“So call him.” Raph replied, without any hesitation. He knew that his brainiest brother was probably right. Although, he still had this feeling that something bad was going to happen. He wasn’t sure what it was or when it was going to happen, but he just knew he had to do his job patrolling the streets and take care of any goons who try to mess up the peace in New York City.

“Raph,” Donnie stated. He knew his brother wasn’t serious. He also knew his brother was stubborn and wasn’t going to give in that easily. “When are you going to realize that nothing is going to-” Police sirens interrupted Donnie as he spoke. He jumped and turned his head in the direction of the sirens. He couldn’t see anything, but he could still hear them. They were getting farther away, too. “-Happen.” He finished, shocked that something was happening now. Right when he was about to make Raph go home with him.

These paragraphs bother me.

Raph took out his Sais out of his front belt and twirled them around in his fingers. “Still say nothing is going to happen tonight? Still say tonight is a quiet night?” Raph asked.

Donnie took out his Bo staff from his back and held it with both of his hands. “Alright, Raph, I get the point. You proved me wrong this one time. Let’s just go take care of this.”

“With pleasure.” Raph smiled, as he began to run towards the next rooftop. He was waiting for a fight. Nothing has happened all night and he wanted this so badly. He was running faster than he ever had in a long time. The police sirens were getting softer and softer. He and Donnie were losing them. He wanted to stop whatever was going on and if he was going to do that, he couldn’t lose the police.

Donnie was right on his brother’s tail. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Why did some stupid bad guy decide to commit a crime now? Donnie thought to himself, as he leaped from one rooftop to the other.

“I see police lights up ahead!” Raph called to Donnie.

Donnie shook off all of his thoughts about Raph and paid more attention to what was going on in front of them. He looked ahead of him. Besides the back of his brother’s head, he could see red and blue lights flashing and the sirens were beginning to get louder. “Did they stop or are we actually catching up to them?” Donnie cried out to his brother, trying to beat the pitch of the sirens.

Raph stopped and ran over to the side of the rooftop. He pointed to across the street, where a police cruiser was parked. Whatever was going on, it was happening just around the corner. “That answer your question?” He asked.

Donnie stopped next to Raph and looked over the scene. “That’s the bank. It looks as though someone broke into it. Did the police catch him?”

Raph shrugged. “I can’t really see. Let me get a better look.” Raph ran over to the next rooftop and ran over as far as he could in that roof. He could now see around the corner. He could hear people in the apartments next door and across the street waking up, turning on their light, and opening their windows to see what was going on. Because of them and the sirens, Raph couldn’t really hear the police officers talking among themselves and because of the flashing red and blue lights on the police cars; he couldn’t really see what was going on.

I tell a lot, huh? I barely show anything. I guess that’s something I’ve always had trouble with!

Donnie watched his brother try to get a better look. Then, two police officers turned around the corner and Donnie was able to see them. The two of them were getting into the police car that was parked there.

“He got away.” One of them said.

“There are no witnesses. We’re going to have to deal with fingerprints for now.” The other replied.

“Or wait until he strikes again.” The first one sighed.

Donnie shook his head. Great… He got away. And with how much money? This is a great ending to tonight.

“Donnie!”

Donnie broke out of his thoughts once again when he heard Raph call his name. He twisted his head from the police officers to the other rooftop where his brother was standing.

“There he goes!” Raph called to him, pointing. Raph ran back over to the rooftop where Donnie was waiting and started backtracking to where they came from. “Stop day dreaming and catch him!” He ordered.

Donnie started to run after his brother, but he still couldn’t see the robber.

“There he is!”

Donnie paused when he heard one of the police officers call to another officer. He looked ahead of himself and looked a little past Raph. That’s when he could see a little shadow running away from a police car. Got’cha! Donnie smiled. He clenched his Bo staff tighter. If this guy is running, he’s going to be hard to catch and he’s surely going to put up a fight.

“If this guy is running, he’s going to be hard to catch.” Well… Yeah.

Raph stopped and turned around to Donnie. “Where’d he go?” He asked.

Donnie stopped right behind Raph and looked around. “Um, I don’t know…” Donnie realized that the robber had suddenly disappeared.

“Do the police know where he went?” Raph asked. He walked over to the side of the rooftop, breathing heavily from all the running. He was looking for the police officers.

Donnie didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure if Raph was talking to him or to himself. Donnie looked down into the streets and noticed the police car cruising by slowly. “They’re looking for him.” Donnie finally confirmed. The police had lost the robber as well.

Raph grunted and slammed his fist on the side of the roof. “How did he just disappear like that?!” Raph looked all around and watched the police car drive by the two of them. They had their flashlights shining out the windows of the car, looking for this guy. Raph shook his head. “They’re never going to find him that way.” Raph stated and looked over to the alley in between the roof they were standing on and the roof next to them.

Donnie nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I think he got away,” Donnie looked around. He couldn’t see this guy anywhere. It was like he went invisible or something. When he heard no response from his brother, he looked beside him. “Raph?” He asked, when he noticed his brother was gone.

“Sh!” Raph scolded, putting up his hand to shut Donnie up.

Donnie walked over to Raph. What is he doing? He better not have found any one else doing more crimes. He looked down into the alley way and gasped. There he was. Peeking out from the corner. He hid in the alley as the police car passed him. “We have to stop him.” Donnie stated.

The robber looked over the sides of the alley’s walls. He looked to his left and to his right. Since he didn’t see any flashlights, or red and blue lights, and he didn’t hear any sirens, so he knew that the police had passed. He took a step out and was about to make a run for it again.

Raph nodded to Donnie. “Done.” He stated and he jumped down right at the entrance to the alley.

He startled the robber, who jumped back towards the dead end of the alley. He glared at Raph and tried to run around him.

Donnie jumped down after and landed next to Raph, blocking the robber again. “Going somewhere?”

The robber took a couple steps back until he was a good distance away from Raph and Donnie. He was shocked that he was being stopped by two giant turtles and not the police. Although, he didn’t really care about that right now. If he stayed there any longer, he was going to get caught by the police. He glared at the two brothers. “Get out of my way. This has nothing to do with you!”

Donnie and Raph both dropped their guard and exchanged confused glances at each other. They were both thinking the same thing. “He” sounds like a little girl. That was not what they were expecting. They were expecting a tough male to start fighting them.

That’s sexist…

She stepped out of the darkness and into the moonlight. “I said,” She repeated herself. “Get out of my way.”

Donnie and Raph both turned back to the little girl and paused. The two of them didn’t know what to do. She seemed like a tough little girl who was defiantly younger than Raph and Donnie.

Defiantly? I think I meant “definitely.”

She rolled her eyes. “Are you deaf or do you not understand?” She called out to them. “Get out of my way!”

Donnie finally spoke up. “We can’t do that.”

Oh, cliffhanger! Look at me go.

All things considered, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. My writing still was pretty bad, but I “defiantly” improved from the very first story I wrote and posted on that site.

I’d like to think that my writing has improved a lot since then as well.

This time in a few years, I’m sure my writing will improve again!

How has your writing improved over the years? Do you remember the first few stories you wrote? Let me know in the comments below!

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Author:

Born and raised in Massachusetts, Rachel Poli is a writer and blogger. She has an associate’s degree in Early Childhood Education and a bachelor’s degree in English Studies. She enjoys writing young adult novels, middle-grade, and children’s picture books. She is currently working on her first novel.

14 thoughts on “Reacting To Old Stories (Part Two)

  1. Your commentary is what makes it funny. Most of the times my mind just glosses over the minor mistakes. But hey, you knew enough to work a cliffhanger into your story, so that’s pretty cool! I’m pretty sure I didn’t know the first thing about them when I was young.

    1. Oh, I gave myself a good laugh when reading through this. The only way I could make it funnier was if I created a video of myself reading it, lol.
      Yeah, I’m pretty proud of this story even though it’s obviously not the best. But it was my best at the time. Thanks. 🙂

  2. Your commentary shows how much you’ve learned (from experience) about writing. Actually, I was kind of getting into the story. I LOVE the Ninja Turtles even if I am an old woman. I liked the original TV cartoon/show, but I was disappointed to the point of giving it all up when the POW! BAM! WHOOSH! newer version of the show came out. You probably weren’t even alive for the original. Ha Ha. It was better, quieter, subtler one-liners, and more sophisticated. Many years later, a psychology student who grew up on Ninja Turtles wrote an outstanding paper on The Turtles as an Example of Group Mentality. Best of all, he said college had killed his love of writing (too many research papers!) and that paper gave it back to him. I still have the paper, signed by him and decorated with pencil sketches of symbols of Ninja swords etc. It is one of my Teaching Treasures.
    All that said to say use everything from your past to learn from, to build on and to use again and again (all you have to do is tweak the original.)

    1. Thank you! I definitely have learned a lot over the years.
      Ninja Turtles is the best! I have watched the original and have it on DVD. It’s great! Though I do have to say that the 2003 version is my favorite. 🙂

  3. My writing has “defiantly” improved over the years, as yours has. I’m actually lookong at rewriting a short story I did years ago to submit to an anthology in November. Lol

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